Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
You Might Also Like
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!