Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
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Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules