Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
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This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?