Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
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Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Sounds like a bargain
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol