Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣