“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
You Might Also Like
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans