Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
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Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?