I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
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Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.