I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
You Might Also Like
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.