I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
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My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Choose your fighter
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.