Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Bit chilly again tonight.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
“The Perfect Relationship”
Wikigenius
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”