My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.