I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
You Might Also Like
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.