These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
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It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: