this makes me so uncomfortable
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The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Blew my mind.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.