9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
You Might Also Like
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
This raises questions
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”