please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
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*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”