I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
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It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I have two kinds of followers