[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
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Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go