‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
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*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”