[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
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I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
pelicons
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.