[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
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I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.