Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
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A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
asked my bf how work was today
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!