My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
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snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
early stone age tool
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?