I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
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“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.