One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
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I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure