What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
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If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Kentucky names the shit out of places
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*