Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
You Might Also Like
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.