Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Realize this:
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.