A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
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don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Peace was never an option
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Godspeed, John Glenn
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….