The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.