peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
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ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
“you changed” bro i was 15
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*