[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
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*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.