Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
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“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.