Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
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The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
File under excellent bookstore names.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff