VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
m’lady
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
What the hell happened in there??
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.