Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
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just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Pigeon open mic night.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Simple
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up