Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
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I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?