My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
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Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No