“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
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*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
New comic up. “Ransom”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered