8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
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Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.