“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Breaking news:
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.