Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
You Might Also Like
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Quadruple digit IQ
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*