Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
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vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together