Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
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I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.