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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.