[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
meow