[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
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3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.