My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
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I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
thank god the sign was there
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |