My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
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Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.